Today, I want to talk about two kinds of separation; separation from things that are good and loved, and separation from things that are bad and unwanted.
I’m on my way to Bahrain, the foreign country that I spent fourteen years of my youth in, and the home I had not been to in fifteen months and so-and-so days. I am leaving behind a couple of things just to go there.
Boy and I had a little bit of drama a while ago, one that we are trying to laugh off right now. It’s difficult, though–knowing that I’m choosing to not be able to see him for some five or six weeks. We haven’t even gotten the short-distance relationship down pat, why did I even consider us taking a long-distance one?
Honestly, I didn’t. I was too caught up in the excitement of going home I didn’t think about the bulk of what I was not bringing with me. We promised each other we were going to be okay, and I know we are. Hey, maybe the long-distance thing will teach us a thing or two about ourselves and how strong our love is. Two introverted, indecisive people who think about certain things way too long before making a decision. This time we’ll need to jump into the face of this obstacle if we want to make it through.
We will make it through. I just… well, I miss him already.
That aside, I’m also leaving behind some bad things. Some little vices, for example, of jealousy and spite. I so badly want to move on from this burden of hate I’ve been carrying for months on end. Perhaps that’s why I wanted this vacation so badly. I was desperate to not be in the same country as all of those feelings and the people and ideas that give me those feelings.
I was packing my things last night and I was distressed to find plenty of scratches on my external hard drive and a few on my laptop. Something as material as that upset me. I used to take great care of all my things; when did I become so careless? Actually, when did I become a lot of things?
We are different people in different places. This time, I just don’t know who.
Heaven knows I have a lot of pride that someday I am going to have to eat. Right now, I just need to hold on to it for dear life because giving up the pride allows me to belittle myself using the words that people say about me, words that are not really true. I need to know who I really am, so I am going to a place where I can see who I used to be: someone good. Someone valuable, and wanted, and missed.
For a while, I have always been so immersed in being, I forget to try and be something good. Maybe I can pack that old version of me in a suitcase and bring it back to Manila. But first I have to separate myself from who I am not, even if that is who I am acting like right now.
Separation can be bad, and most of the time when we think of it, it hurts like vinegar on flesh. But right now, I think it’s what I need.
Off to brighter adventures. Have a lovely weekend, friends. :)