I’d like to list down all the big and little things that went wrong this week, especially today, but instead I’ll dwell on the few things that went right :)
Nostalgia in vintage.
My sister and I spent Tuesday evening over at Maha’s place for her 19th birthday. The day was spent in chocolate fondue (!!!), charades, paper toss with made-up rules, catching up, tummy-aching laughter, ice cream cake, and fun fun company in the form of childhood friends and friends of friends.
The wonderful thing about being with these people is that we can laze around the floor and still say we had a great time, because that’s what you do at home, and these people are a lot like home.
Books, friends, and flesh-eating zombies
Book Bench has had my love and loyalty for a year and a half, and very soon I am going to promise to spend a whole year taking that love to the maximum. In most cases, the jokes and the teasing would have translated into pressure and mental panic for me; but this time I take it as support, of which I’m going to need all I can get.
The org, and my position in its office, take up a lot of my time and energy. To say that I have never considered giving it up is to tell a big, fat lie. But it’s on days like these when that pays off, and I get so incredibly happy I deny anything that exists outside of Book Bench. Today’s General Assembly affirmed my wavering decision. I will fight.
How are you, really?
Are things going great? I can’t say so exactly. I still have too many moments and days of doubt, and I have never been one of great faith. My dreams and goals terrify me. My optimism and the fact that things are going really well right now–terrify me. Because history has shown me that things tend to crumble just when I thought I was doing good. I start to get bad again just when I was starting to get better.
Are things going bad? No no no. I have become so comfortable with productivity that I spent days without my books and Internet indulgences, and I. barely. noticed. Yes, I kind of miss my lazy time. But I take pride in the fact that the things I’m devoting myself to lately are goals and projects that involve other people, not just myself. I am taking part in someone else’s life in a positive way (albeit indirectly) which is something I’d forgotten how to do when I went through depression.
Things are okay. Things are the proverbial rollercoaster with its highs, lows, loops, and matching heart attacks. I am learning and I am forgetting. Things are the sudden spells of rain when we all thought the day couldn’t get any hotter. I am frustrated and I am fighting. Things are baked bread, the dullest shade of baby pink, broken things glued together. They aren’t perfect, but they’re something. They can get better.
I can get better.
For now, I am just plain darn fine.