I’m not one of the people who feel January dictates the rest of the year, because I know from experience that things end and begin several times during the year.
Here’s the gist of my January!
1. Hell month/midterms
School requirements I had to pass over the last three weeks: two Feature articles, two History exams and a special assignment, a Philosophy oral exam, an IMC quiz, and a Theology presentation. Over three weeks, you guys. Squeeze in Book Bench every few days, and I can’t remember having so many things to do that they don’t fit in a single day. The days blend together, in fact, because I don’t get enough sleep some nights, and overcompensate on other nights. It was precisely this hellish load that built up to my…
2. Mental break down
I can’t seem to forget this day. It was on a Wednesday, the busiest day of my school week. The day before, I had planned out an order in which I would do my requirements and a pre-deadline deadline to finish them. (Because organizing things gives me illusions of progress.) It was going well, until I lost two to three hours of work time to do someone a favor. I became pressured and angry and, by the next day, hopeless. I called J to tell him I was feeling bad. But instead, I burst out crying in the middle of school for reasons I could not understand.
One of the worst parts of that day, after being stuck in seemingly endless despair, was being unable to talk about it. I only told two people about it, one of them being J. I tried blogging about it to get it out of my system but the words always felt dry and stupid, so I’d delete the draft.
3. Guidance office
Consequently, I took a long-overdue trip to the school’s office of guidance and counselling. People who are much closer to me have heard me plan this visit before. I never actually get to do it because I chicken out and find excuses. I’m afraid of talking about my feelings and problems out loud and realizing they sound silly.
I wasn’t expecting to come out of the guidance office feeling enlightened; I was only hoping to be assured. I got that much. I honestly like learning new things from people and I like being impressed with someone’s way of thinking that was different from mine. But the psychologist assigned to me wasn’t like that. He talked to me like he knew and agreed with what I was saying, even used my own words to support his thoughts, and overall listened like an ordinary companion would. I think maybe that’s what I needed.
I do feel better now and I haven’t broken down since then, although I still do feel shaky sometimes. The brightest side is that the next time I feel unstable or low, I have another option in front of me besides, “Wait it out. It will pass.
4. Writing 365
Moving towards the positive, I’m really proud of how my Writing 365 is going! I know, I know. I reached over a hundred days during one of my earlier attempts, and I really have less time to work with this attempt. This is my fourth time trying this challenge, so I’m part-determined part-doubtful. What I am really happy about is the feedback I’ve been getting. Right after I published the first set, three friends told me that it’s time I wrote a book. And I really do feel like I’m going to find my voice this time, so I really need to push it to the end.
I’m athletically awkward, which is why required PE bothers me more than Math. In my second semester of college, however, I was lucky enough to land a spot in the Yoga class. It was and is perfect for me because it’s meditative and slow, but is credited physical exercise nonetheless.
I enrolled in a yoga studio a five minute walk away from our condo this year. I’ve been to two sessions so far and I am loving it, as always. An hour with nobody I know around, no shoes to fill, and no requirements to pass? Worth it already. Hamstring stretches will always make me question what I’ve gotten myself into, but that’s the price to pay.
Meshed into one because neither one is that big of a feat. I just wanted to leave it out here that I have been trying to get to know Photoshop and my camera a bit more! I promised to fall back in love with art this year, so I am taking whatever chances to play. My “skills” are nothing to boast of, but everyone’s got to start somewhere, right? I have some very basic output to share in the future posts.
This has been a good fight, January, but I’m still standing.
Happy February, folks!