a ramble, and a confession

_晴時多雲,偶陣雨。
eliotstyle, on Flickr

(I know I say this all the time, but…) I’ve been thinking.

Instead of the usual “so-and-so have been happening lately”, not much has happened to me lately and that leaves plenty of room for thought. Like any nineteen-year-old overthinker, I have forgotten what I want to do with myself and my life. Over the past couple of years I learned that I (we, perhaps) have been living my my life (our lives) wrong. If not wrong, then maybe a little off the mark.

I follow a lot of self-help, self-improvement blogs and websites in the hopes that one of their posts will have something for me, some silver sliver of wisdom that will take me by surprise and launch me into the life I’ve always wanted to be living. But if anything, they’ve reaffirmed this nagging feeling that something isn’t right for me.

Not that I’m complaining about the life I currently have, because in all honesty I have a pretty good life. Neither am I deluded into thinking that my dream life will fall into my lap gracefully. I spend too much time mentally condemning people with that kind of mentality to partake in it myself. No.

Sometime in the past few years, I don’t know exactly when, I began to understand that not everyone will fit at the top. Not everyone will experience the best that life has to offer and not everyone who gets there is someone who deserves to be there. That’s a terrible truth to understand in your teens; maybe that’s why I haven’t accepted it as fully as I thought I had.

Here’s a secret for you, in the form of one of my deepest fears — I am absolutely terrified that I am one of those people, the ones that will not make it.

Despite the beautiful path that my parents have set me on, or the encouragement I’ve received over the years from people who truly madly deeply believe in me, there’s no promise that I will achieve the life I want. I am not the person I wish I were and I am not on the road I wish I were on. (If you are right now thinking of telling me it’s never too late to start, d*mn it, I know that.)

If I had to tell you about myself in only one sentence, I’d tell you that I’m too complicated to sum up in just one sentence. (Which I know is an irony, but let’s get back to the point.)

There are present tenses that I adore and there are future tenses that I crave. But in order to be at peace, I must decide that I love one more than the other. I have to give up my little loves so I can chase my dreams, or I have to give up my flashy dreams so I can stay with my loves. Does that make more sense? I am only thinking if I ought to begin choosing one now so that I could finally start learning happiness.

I didn’t come here for reassurances or compliments or any amounts of “You can do this!” no matter how much I thank you for them. I am only thinking to myself about everything because it’s necessary to think. I could sound like I am swimming in my cup of self-pity, but really, I am not. I actually feel unreasonably sensible albeit a little sad.

Which, if you notice, is not a very common reaction of people towards truth.

***

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6 comments
  1. Vika said:

    I can relate. Lately I’ve been thinking quite frequently about “the big picture”. Mostly in relation to what I want to be/learn/know/achieve and the impact that has on what I need to do NOW to get there. When I think back on what I could have done to be there (or much closer) right now, I wish I would have.

    Taking one step at a time and keeping in mind the goal keeps me fairly sane while attending to things I don’t want to do at the moment. Things that in another 5 years, while perhaps unpleasant, I know I would regret not doing.

    • Apple said:

      I’m glad someone understands my inner trouble, rather than just lecturing me on how I can fix it. I hope things go well for both of us :)

  2. I feel you. I have been thinking about “the real world” almost everyday since I started college. I always dreamed big but I’m unsure if these dreams will come true. I sometimes dislike when people reassure that things will go well but feeling this kind of thing, being unsure of your future in the present is not helping situations. Hopefully, all those people who feel this way can find the light and inspiration they, we all need. And as one of my favorite movie quotes says, “all is well”.

    • Apple said:

      I do hope for the both of us that all will be well :)

  3. Medyo random but off the bat I thought, “is the girl on the photo you???”

    We can totally do a shoot like this, too!

    • Apple said:

      No, it isn’t!! Haha!

      I’m not so good a model, bro, but I’m told I’m fun to doll up :P

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