An open letter to my anxiety

Agoraphobe Meets MountainSpencer Finnley

Let me start by saying that this was supposed to be a great summer. I was supposed to become stronger and better, and I was supposed to meet my last year of college fully prepared. It was supposed to be a summer to speak of.

I had no room for you in my plans. Thank you very much for nearly ruining everything.

The problem with you is that I often feel accountable for you, an admittance that pretty much ends with a ton of guilt and self-hate. I let you control me and this is how most of my regrets begin.

I don’t know when I first met you. My life, which I used to dream about in future tense, has now become a series of desperate prayers: “Please just let me survive this day.”

You cripple me and you limit me, and I can’t tell anybody that I think it’s your fault. They’ll think I’m crazy. In the eyes of anybody, I am my anxiety. I am that scared, sad, shy little girl who keeps a diary of if-onlys. I am you; and I hate you–you and Depression, but that deserves its own letter.

For as long as you are in my life, my silver future is a faraway dream and all my molehills are mountains. For as long as you are in my life, I don’t have any long-term claim on happiness.

Anxiety, old friend: you have overstayed a welcome that was never yours. I can’t wait to be rid of you.

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8 comments
  1. >:)< there's a certain strength I sense in this letter that I cannot put into words. You are also strength, remember that? You know, other than beautiful, lovely, bright, and inspirational ;)

    • Apple said:

      You lovely ray of sunshine, you. >:D<

  2. Anxiety happens when you fill the void gap between the “now” and the “then.”

    • Apple said:

      That is a clever, insightful way to put it :)

      • That was actually from Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy. :) Anxiety is nothing more than excitement being stagnated. You feel anxious because you’re not letting things flow. You wanted to control everything, and that’s why there’s so much tension. You fill yourself with catastrophic expectations of “what might be” or “what will be.” And that keeps you from being actually “here.” You are actually actually in another planet in your head with thick, dark clouds of anxiety that suffocate you.

  3. That was actually from Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy. :) Anxiety is nothing more than excitement being stagnated. You feel anxious because you’re not letting things flow. You wanted to control everything, and that’s why there’s so much tension. You fill yourself with catastrophic expectations of “what might be” or “what will be.” And that keeps you from being actually “here.” You are actually actually in another planet in your head with thick, dark clouds of anxiety that suffocate you.

  4. ARK said:

    Loved your post very much…

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