On Feeling Fleeting

There’s a time of day when sunlight peeks through these tiny holes in my window blinds. It creates a single line of soft, overlapping bokeh on the opposite wall, just above my table. It looks really pretty whenever I catch it, but it never stays long and I can never capture it on camera, for whatever reason.

It’s a blurry metaphor, but that’s how I feel today. Either I am chasing something that eludes me well, or I am fleeting, like a temporary fancy that doesn’t mean much.

I spent last week in Baguio for a silent retreat, where I spent five whole days in quiet solitude and reflection. That kind of thing could be either good or bad for me, depending on what kind of thoughts I entertain while I’m alone, but it turned out to be a wonderful experience.

Trying not to be too cheesy, let’s just say I was able to reconnect with myself and with God, and I learned a bit more about both of us. I also learned something about love: the kind of love I wanted to have and the kind I already had.

Before the end of the week, I confessed to my retreat guide that I was scared about going down to Manila and forgetting all that I had learned or found. She said something along the lines of choosing: I had to choose to make time for God and for remembering whatever imprint the experience had left on me.

It hasn’t been a full week since I got back, but I already feel sort of faded away. There are important things to do, but every time I try to take a step I am confronted by both past and future.

I guess for others the solution seems pretty simple. I only have to focus, to not let worries and regrets bother me, but this has never been easy for me. I can’t just not be worried, sad or scared. There’s no other way to explain it.

Graduation has always felt like a looming deadline for me. Maybe I pressure myself with the expectation that I should have figured myself out and gotten my sh*t together by then. I am far from it and I don’t know how to start trying, and maybe that’s a huge part of what’s bothering me. And even though I know that now, it still bothers me.

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