August 1

Manila has been getting some very heavy rain lately. While I worry about the damage the weather is surely causing, I can’t help but feel soothed by the gloom. Whenever depression hits me, I feel a deep disagreement between my inner and outer worlds. There’s a darkness or brokenness that lives inside my mind, and remains there; but when it rains, it mirrors my world a little bit and it’s comforting.

Daniela Andrade’s voice is my mood music of choice today, especially her cover of La Vie En Rose. I’ll aim to learn that song next on the ukulele, when I’m feeling better.

“For months I’d been stuck, unable to take one step in any new direction. The world kept moving on; I alone was at a standstill.” — Haruki Murakami

I don’t remember when I started spiraling down again. All I knew was that I was suddenly stuck in this mood like quicksand; the more I fought it, the deeper it sucked me in. Suddenly, it’s the 1st of August and I have lost so much time on nothing.

I can’t promise to get better soon. I can’t promise to get better for a very long time. Thankfully, there are days like today and yesterday when it’s cloudy at best. There’s always the threat of rain and thunder, but I’m relatively dry right now.

I was reading up on coping or recovery methods for what I’m going through. Among the suggestions were forming a routine and taking care of health in all aspects, so I made a few goals for myself to try and keep this month:

  1. Form an exercise habit. I have a daily exercise plan mapped out for me, starting very very slow and picking up a little bit every day. My hope is that by the end of month, my mind and body will begin to crave the exercise on their own.
  2. Save money / Start a budgeting habit. Every June and July I tend to become rather careless with my spending. I usually recover, but I think it’s time to try being responsible. Only, I still haven’t figured out where to begin.
  3. Eat healthier. This one might be my most challenging goal, because I had never before even considered controlling my diet. But I have been paranoid about my health lately, so it might benefit me in the long run to try. I haven’t worked out a full plan yet, but I have already begun saying no to my favorite vice, Coke. Sigh.
  4. Read at least two books. My disinterest in reading was one of the earliest signs that something was wrong. The last book I finished was Why We Broke Up, on May 20. I have a stack of books waiting to be opened, yet I haven’t read anything in over two months.
  5. Keep a daily art/writing journal. After reading, I also haven’t been able to write or draw much. I can force it sometimes, but never at the same length or depth as I used to. I do still believe in the therapeutic power of art, so instead of focusing on output, I’m going to focus on catharsis.

July gridI don’t usually apologize for whatever happens on my blog, but I feel like apologizing this time. I’m sorry for the sporadic activity and the absence of anything worthwhile. If you want to interact with me, I am tons more active on Twitter and Instagram.

  1. aiflcblog said:

    beautiful song

  2. I love that song. Congratulations on your blog, I love. A hug from Andalucía

  3. Oleah said:

    hope you feel better. i know depression isn’t something you can easily get over, but the fact that you’re making goals for yourself & trying to heal is a good sign that you’re making progress. also, i love daniel andrade. her voice is so mellow & relaxing. listening to her always puts me in a good mood.

    xoxo, Oleah

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