A poem once promised me that one day, I’d find someone who would know all the bad things and still want to be with me.
It didn’t make sense to me then; it sounded like a given. I knew all the things about myself, and I apologized for them often, but I never believed anyone would leave me for them.
Now, after several breakdowns, and fights where we couldn’t tell the difference between our problems and mine, I get it. And I do appreciate how you managed to still want to be with me after all that.
I’m sorry for the sudden break-downs, and crying spells where I can’t explain to you what’s happening to me. I’m sorry it’s depressing. I’m sorry it’s heavy. I’m sorry I brought this in your life unexpectedly. I’m sorry you didn’t know what to do and I’m sorry you’re forced to learn so fast. I’m sorry for my mood swings. I’m sorry for my selfishness. I’m sorry for the days I’m withdrawn and the days I don’t know how to trust you. I’m sorry when you feel helpless, or burdened, or even alone. I’m sorry when I don’t get to thank you for saving me. I’m sorry it all happens without warning, and I’m sorry it will keep happening this way. I’m sorry I don’t know what to do either because I’ve never gotten past this before. I’m sorry that loving me involves fighting demons you can’t even see.
If it means anything, I’ve never imagined a better knight for me. You’re the hero in all those action films where they start as nobody and save the whole world by the end of the movie. You are the first good thing I’ve really written about in weeks, and you are the first thing that ever made me want to get better once and for all.
I know all you want is a thank you once in a while, a little appreciation, but I can’t not feel like I owe you everything that’s still happy in me right now. I want to kick my Devil where it hurts so I can come back and love you the way I know I can. So I can be the best girlfriend ever to the best boyfriend ever, like I know I am underneath all this dirt.
I’m sorry about all the dirt in my soul, it’s been years since I cleaned it up. It’s been years since I wanted to let someone in that far.
I don’t have any Thank Yous because I give them away too much. But here, take my word. I’ll get better and I’ll make it all worth it for you. Wait for me, homes. We’ve got some earth-shaking to do when I get better. Happy sixth month! I love you :)