Currently, Finally

I finally get a (Sun)day where the world slows down. I finally got to sleep in, only to wake up and find my head quiet.

Much of what I’ve been trying to do lately is give, or in a sense just keep saying or doing things outwardly.  I exert myself for work, and then I come home and think about how much I want to be giving to people I care about. And then I proceed to do what I can.

It doesn’t make much sense, I think, outside of my own thoughts. A giver is the kind of person I have always, always wanted to be. I get drained from the giving anyway. I’ll cry and complain the clock round. But I aim to see it as a stretching exercise for my heart or spirit, a conditioning if you must, for a long life of continual giving. That’s the life I intended for myself, so I intend to have it.

No, I don’t have an explanation why I’m so unfit for the kind of person I wanted to be if that’s who I’ve wanted to be since forever. Maybe I was a giver once, and it didn’t pay off. Or it exhausted and bruised me. Maybe those are memories I don’t have anymore. I meant it when I said I don’t know.

I think I’ll just return to being thankful for this slow day, to focusing on where I am.

I am currently:

Reading: A Wild Sheep Chase, by Murakami. I’m five books behind on my reading target this year, which I’ve almost given up on. The truth is it might allow me to reset my relationship with reading, something that hit the rocks this year, and Murakami is a nice place for me to begin. This will be my sixth Murakami book ever read; I’ll follow it with either 1Q84, because I’ve had it for a year, or I might buy either Colorless Tsukuru or Sputnik Sweetheart.

Writing: this blog post because, honestly, my relationship with writing has gotten pretty blurry too. I’m dreaming up a heart project about love letters and safe places, so if you’re into writing beautiful things, hit me up at applenocom(at)gmail(dot)com.

Listening: to this Spotify playlist of songs I’ve stolen from anywhere and everywhere. I am completely stuck on Dreaming by Smallpools, and Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran.

(This video, okay?! One Ed Sheeran for me, please thank you!!) 

Thinking: about very little right now, thankfully. Last night, however, I had unwanted flashbacks of several girls I was insecure of in the past, in a former relationship. These were names and faces that used to keep me up late at night, and that eventually led to my having self-esteem and trust issues. That took a long time to heal. I’m glad they died in my sleep last night and I don’t have to be thinking about them again today.

Smelling   I might be coming down with a cold. Might.

Wishing: for closure, disclosure, for honesty, for substantial, meaningful conversations that make my heart go quiet and the outside world a little more bearable. (I am getting shivers just wishing for it.)

Wearing: what I slept in last night!! Because I can <3

Loving   I am too drained, cynical and hurt to love anything right now. It’s not you, it’s me.

Wanting: to be stronger so I can deal with all that’s happening around me. A hobby, a distraction, from the noise inside my head. For this long-lived pain to seem purposeful if it will not go away. I want my days to have some sort of filling so I don’t turn into a robot or a ghost.

Needing: money, if I were really really honest. Having a job to go to takes more out of my pocket than it allegedly puts in.

Feeling: both quiet and heavy, if such a state were allowed to exist.

(Prompts taken from Siddathornthorn’s retired Sunday Currently series.)

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